i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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