I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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