Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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