the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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