he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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