that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
