Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
