I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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