I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
