Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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