alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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