I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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