Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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