her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
