I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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