she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Randomize
