My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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