she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
