Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
