I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
