Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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