I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
