I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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