i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
