Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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