My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
