i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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