dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
