just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
