You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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