Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
