I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
