I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Your cock deserves a montage
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
