I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
