god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
