This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
