Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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