i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
