Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
