i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
