I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
