This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
