your thong is hanging out like whoa
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
