good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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