He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
