I accidentally had phone sex last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
