i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he puts the penis in happiness.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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