Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
