I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
