He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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